A Quick Word Re: Sparkling Water
I am tired of the online sparkling water slander and I’m looking for a fight!!!
What is wrong with everyone? Have we no space left for subtleties in this world? Listen to me: a lovely little carbonated beverage with a hint of fruity flavor is a nice thing that we have on this Godless Earth! We have so little left to live for and you choose my innocent sparkly water to attack? You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married? I am so tired of everyone’s dramatics!
The online slanderers are petty banal nerds who say things like, “It tastes like static,” or “It tastes like your foot falling asleep feels.” First of all, these phrases have been endlessly repeated on every social media platform in existence. They were funny the first time someone said them and immediately stopped being clever as soon as other people started repeating it. Stop regurgitating someone else’s creativity! You’re not AI!
Second: Are you new here? Are you Cady Heron? Have you never had carbonation before? Or have you only had the carbonated drinks that smack you in the head with so much sugar that you don’t even notice the carbonation anymore? (Pause for a quick aside: In my attack of slanderers, I refuse to become a slanderer myself, so I want to be absolutely clear that there is a time and place for the sugary bevvies that smack you. I have no beef with soda and I would come to their defense if they were attacked just as I am defending my non-sugary bevvies today. I will drink my Cherry Coke at the movie theater! I will fight for my hangover-curing Dr. Pepper! I will put my life on the line for Baja Blast!)
I’m just saying, must we all be constantly hit over the head with everything all of the time? This is a jump, but come along for the journey: I feel Marvel is to blame. Marvel bashes people over the head with color and sound and words and directives. It tells you where to look and when to laugh and when to cry and when to stand. Where am I, fucking church? Why don’t you trust me to internalize this as it is intended? Also, why do you care how the art you made is received? It’s not up to you and it doesn’t matter!
Marvel’s bashings have been projected onto society so regularly that now everyone thinks that everything needs to be BIG and HUGE and LOUD and BRIGHT or else it is BAD. In fact, I think the truth is the opposite! Give me subtlety or give me death! Let me intake art however I want! Fucking cowards!
Sometimes these people insinuate that everyone who drinks sparkling water must be pretending to like it. Why would anyone be pretending to like anything, are you being serious right now? Pretending for who? For what purpose? The only time I have ever pretended to like something was in the 4th grade when my crush, Kyle, asked me on the playground if I liked Linkin Park. I said that I loved Lincoln Park, because I thought he was talking about an actual park, because I was 9 years old and Parks Were Life. Imagine my surprise when he returned the following day with a burned disc of Linkin Park songs. I pretended my face off that day!
Do you think we’re all trying to make Kyle Schumer fall in love with us? I can think of no other logical reason to pretend to like something. So take that to heart, you lazy slandering nerds, NO ONE is pretending to like sparkling water; everyone who claims to like sparkling water actually likes it. Some of them even love it!
Let me explain something to you: sometimes it is 3:30pm and you don’t know what to do with your hands. You are not that hungry because you’ve fed yourself as an adult should and you are not dehydrated because you are being soooo good about drinking water lately. And yet, it is 3:30pm and your hands and your brain are working against you; they must do something new, but not harmful to your day. Guess what is the perfect solution to this? A sparkling water. It’s juicy, it pops, it’s unpretentious, it’s guilt-free, AND you’ll still be hungry for dinner later. Pair it with a little snicky snack and Baby, you’ve got a stew goin.
Sparkling water is gorgeous, delicious perfection and I will not hear any more cases against it. Please please please just leave us be with our nice thing that we enjoy.
It’s all we have left.
A Quick Word is an ongoing series of essays published every Tuesday & Thursday right here on Medium and on Substack.
